Feeling sad

What I had hoped would be an exciting visit with my grandmother has become a very sad time. We were informed that her stage 4 lung cancer is very aggressive and has started progressing again despite chemo. The scans actually look worse than they did at the halfway point in her treatment. Her doctor said that if she hadn’t done the chemo, she wouldn’t have made it to the holidays, but as the cancer has become resistant so quickly, more chemo may not be as effective. There are two other chemo’s she could try but the side effects of those don’t seem worth the month or two they might add to Grandma’s life. My dear grandmother has decided not to take any more treatment since the last two chemo treatments made her so miserable. She wants to spend her last days without the stress and misery of chemo. The doctor said she has 3-4 months to live, possibly less and has referred her to hospice care.

Grandma had a feeling this was going to happen, but it was a shock learning how little time she had left. She says she is happy with her life and doesn’t have any regrets. I am in awe of her grace and bravery. Of course there are tears, but in between those, she is calmly thinking ahead and planning her final days. The hospice nurses visited her house the very next day and got her set up for future care. Grandma is actually doing very well right now. She has very little pain, but is still suffering lingering side effects from the chemo, the worst of which seems to be a terribly dry mouth and bad taste which is making it hard for her to eat anything. Her only request is that we remember her after she is gone. She wants to be cremated and have her ashes spread at Fish Lake so we can visit her there in the future.

I have always had a special love for my grandma. When I was young she made me feel important and loved. She has always been so kind and encouraging. I’m going to miss her so much, and I plan to cherish these last few months. But my heart really goes out to my grandpa, mom, and aunts. I understand that this is just the “circle of life.” It is the natural way. But it’s hard when the person you have to let go is someone so close to you.

I love you Grandma!

I love you Grandma!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Grandma
    Dec 07, 2012 @ 12:34:49

    Thank you Amy for all the good words. I love you as I do all my family and I know that it will be hard, but think of a good thing when you feel sad. Grandma


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